london: through the eyes of my father

It takes us a long time to realize that our parents are people. They have unknown pasts, and they too were young once, just like you. Life took them on adventures; there were lovers, friends, inner turmoil, and passions that moved them from one point to the next. It’s so easy to remain ignorant to these bits and pieces that make up who your parents are. If you never ask, you might not hear, and if you’ve never hear, you may never really know the people who raised you.

I'm personally very fascinated to hear my parents' old storeis. I see two people who made it a point to pave a path distinctly for themselves and not for anybody else. I envy their bravery, and at the same time, I identify with it.

In my continuing quest to get to know them, I recently convinced my father to take a trip with me. On our way home from visiting family in Italy, we made a pit stop in London to retrace his old footsteps. A friend still owns the house he rented when he was a young spiritual hippie living in London during the 70’s. We went and stayed with her — my dad sleeping in his old bedroom, and myself on the first story in her acupuncture treatment space. During our visit, we walked around London, enjoying the parks he used to meander through and retracing his steps to places he once frequented. 

Perhaps most satisfying of all, we spent time with his friends and talked about old times. I heard stories of friends who had died, the concerts they enjoyed in the park, and the worries that were on their minds. They looked back on fifty-some years, and I got to sit there, listening to the stories of their lives. I found myself envious of all the places they'd been. The solo treks through China, the gatherings at a Tuscan villa. I wanted their wisdom. I wanted to be able to talk about life like someone who's seen it all. They'd each gone through so many things. Changed careers, survived diseases, fallen in love — hardship after victory after hardship. Here I am, racing along the path of life. I think, "that can't be me." But before I know it I'll be right there with them; looking back on the memories. 

Needless to say, I was immensely stricken by this little meander into my father's past. I fell in love with his friends. I wanted to cry at their stories, and at the same time, I was really proud of my father for attracting such special people. For all the times I want to reject where I come from. For all the times that I can only see the faults in my father. This undid them. He's a good man — a true friend, a thoughtful person, and hey, he can identify just about any tree you're bound to come across. I'm glad I had the opportunity to return with him to London, to get to see the world through his young hippie eyes. It was a very transformative experience. 

I tell you this story, so that while you have the chance, you too will make it a point to uncover who your parents were when they were young. Visit the places they visited. Stay in the places they lived. Talk to the friends that they made. Take a walk through your parents’ footsteps, so you can bring yourself closer — to them, and ultimately, yourself. The look into the past will propel you down your own road, wherever that may lead.

object

Shortly after getting settled in this house, we turned one wall of our bedroom into a giant bookshelf. It has become a place for me to keep some of my most treasured belongings. Yes, the books we've read - and want to read - but also the many independent magazines I've collected over the years as well as hats, jewelry, candles, and more. It's a wall of material things.

While I really don't consider myself a materialistic person, I will admit to being a collector. Does that sound like a contradiction? At the core it is. But what I have gathered and placed on those shelves are so much more than material objects.

These beautiful independent magazines, laden with captivating imagery and words that challenge my perspective, are eyes into other people's worlds that fill me with knowledge and inspiration. This bag, it was a birthday gift from my brother who hand-picked the leather and had it made especially for me. They are objects floating in a cloud of sentiments. 

So, give me a moment. I would like to challenge the definition of materialism. For me, materialistic is not someone who places value in material objects; rather, materialistic is someone who places value in meaningless objects. A diamond given to you by someone you love has emotional worth. A diamond you had to have to impress your friends, that's emptiness.

What I'm saying is that it's ok to feel emotion towards a physical object so long as you understand why. So long as that reason is meaningful to you. Everyone has the freedom to be obsessed with what is truly beautiful, but we must also remember that beauty is different for each and every one of us. We all have our own definition. And we all have our right to love something without being labeled as materialistic.

-- 

Bag: Custom-made by Rita Sutormina

Magazine: The Collective Quarterly

november free people work

I've been a busy, busy bee, and well, it's been pretty silent on this here blog. In case you're not a Free People BLDG 25 regular, here is a little recap of my content in November. It's been a great month of inspiration, and playing around with photography. 

Hope you enjoy!

DIY Woven Pillow

A pillowcase woven with yarn and roving to add some living room flavor.

The Spirit Your Mini Bar Is Missing

Mouthwatering holiday cocktails with Art In The Age spirits.

Go Deskside With Our Graphic Design Team

A look into the creative work lives of Free People's graphic designers.

3 Lessons In Forgiveness

A personal story of forgiveness and what I learned from the experience.

the mess

I'll never be well poised. I'm not well kept.

My knees are scraped. My mind is wild.

But I'm proud.

You see, these are all signs of who I am, and to hide them would mean that I'm ashamed. But the scrape my knee is the sign of a bike ride across town. The words that come out with no sign of eloquence, are raw, creative, and the mark of a thoughtful mind. My house isn't pristine because I stayed out too late enjoying friends and live music. The resulting, scabbing mess on my knee, the dust bunny blowing in the fan, the hangover - those are life's battle wounds, and they're my proof that I'm alive and living in a way that I believe in.

I'm done trying to fix it. It's taken ups and downs to get here. I spent a lot of time concealing certain parts of myself, but lately there's been a revelation causing me to embrace what's true. Maybe you have to try to be something you aren't in order to figure out who you actually are. I lay all my cards on the table, probably share a bit too much with other people, but I'm not ashamed of any of it. I'm fallible, and adventurous, and broken, and strong, and wise, and silly, and relentless all at the same time. It's a messy combination of a person, for sure. There is nothing clean about it.

The personal journeys, the tears, the bellowing laughs...it's the fabric of life. And the mess of it makes me feel alive. I'm going to keep living it. I'm going to keep sharing it. I no longer care if what you see is a perfect package.

the journey

I've been on the road a lot lately. As I write this, I'm sitting in a hotel room in Harrisonburg, Virginia. It's just me and a big fat bible. The bible came with the room, I'm just a person passing through.
The long hours have left me a lot with myself. I don't think I've ever spent so much time in my own head as I have this past month. For some, that might sound great - the wide open road, time alone - but for me its been a bit bumpy. You see, I've always liked a certain amount of time to do my own thing, but at the end of the day, I like to be around friends. I like the energy of people close by, and without it I get lonely.

But I haven't had much choice, so instead I sit with it and let it happen. I stop myself when I start feeling sorry because I know this is a significant turning point in my life. Right now, I'm chasing after my own, and I cannot expect others to chase with me. At the end of each long journey, I've found immense joy and meaning for the road ahead. These are experiences meant for me, and me alone. Along the way, I'm building a strong sense of self awareness that for the first time ever comes from within. I find a pillar of strength in that.
I've come to realize that I have a self identity outside of interactions with other people. It's easy to develop an outlook on yourself based off of the way others treat you, and what they tell you about yourself. But when you step away from that mirror, who are you? 

Me, I'm a thinker...and a nerd. I listen to way too much NPR, and today, I caught myself engulfed in CSPAN radio as I drove through Washington DC. Why? Because I find it interesting and informative...and the kind of knowledge I should be filling my head with. As I drove on and the station fizzled away, the channel changed to country. I'm embarrassed to even admit it. The last time I listened to the country music station was back in high school. In fact, back then I loved it! It was my radio of choice. Maybe I like it now because it brings me back there. It reminds me of when things were simple. When life really was pick-up trucks, beer, and boys. When I really did spend all day on a farm, and head down to the lake with my best friends. As I drove through the valleys of America's wide open spaces today, the music cradled me with the safety I needed out here all alone.

Needless to say, I'm in limbo. It's that awkward growing phase where you don't feel like who you were, and you don't feel like you are who you're going to be. I'm me, right now. This silly being figuring it all out. I dream all day long about what's next. I know I can't stay where I'm at, but I also know that I can't yet leave. So I'm stuck. And I'm growing. I'm grooming myself to be able to do what I want. One day it will come, and when it does, it will be so, so sweet.

weekly scenes & a little reflection

As we get older, we all have to learn: life is not always going to be easy. 

You won't always get to spend as much time together as you wish. 

You'll work too late.

Your phone will break.

You car insurance will be overdue.

You'll get frustrated with yourself.

You'll feel all alone.

You'll have to put up with unhappy situations.

You're schedules won't line up.

You. Just. Won't. Know. What. To. Do.

At some point, I don't care who you are, you're going to feel all of these things. Myself, I'm not immune to it. Last week I found myself bawling because life just felt too overwhelming. I didn't feel like myself, I felt so silly for being upset. And the worst part was that I couldn't figure out how to make myself feel better. I had no action plan for happiness, and so I dove even deeper into sadness.

The only thing I knew to do was to go to every yoga class I possibly could. After the first class, I felt a tiny lift in emotion, but still, life was walking through a haze, going through the motions, unclear of a vision. With each practice I felt a little more optimistic, and then I found myself in a class where the teacher prompted with exactly what I needed.

"Today, use your practice to rid your body of all the emotions and memories that are no longer serving you. Wring them out, and leave them behind on the mat."

I felt a fire.

I sweat and pushed more than ever. I felt strong, balanced, flexible....I felt confident for the first time in a week. This sadness, it wasn't serving me. I decided right then and there to grow up.

And I'm not saying that I'll never get down about life ever again. Life is a pendulum. But I think that part of becoming an adult is accepting that it won't always be easy. We want someone to hold our hand and make it all ok, but only we can do that for ourselves now. Let go of what isn't serving you, and embrace what will.

And now, to focus on the positive, some weekly scenes of all the GOOD things that have happened lately...

A visit to Kinfolk in Brooklyn.

My first Rockaway taco

Custom Power Ride shredin it up at Connie's Ric Rac and a good night with new friends.

Hanging with Free People's Open Call winners in Brooklyn & shooting behind the scenes.

Working with Adam to write a review on our favorite new brunch spot

Hanging around Greensgrow way too much.

A tasty recipe post I had the opportunity to write for the fine blog over at Everyday Minerals

Learning about Aromatherapy and connecting with inspiring women in my own community.

If—

BY RUDYARD KIPLING

(‘Brother Square-Toes’—Rewards and Fairies)

If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

    And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

    And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

    If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

-- 

I just came across this poem by Rudyard Kipling. It's bursting with great advice. Posting it on this blog, so that I'll be sure to remember and revisit it. 

Hope everyone's Thursday is off to a great start.

weekly horoscope

I love this line from weekly horoscope on Free People's BLDG 25 blog this week. What good advice that for anyone. I'm not going to pretend that I never judge people or get annoyed with their flaws. We all do it, and we all should stop. So long as the way a person is isn't hurting anything or anyone else, they have every right to be that way. Letting people be themselves is what makes this world interesting and beautiful.

sometimes you should: practice gratitude

(Image Source)

This past week I went to listen to a Reiki practitioner talk. Her lecture went over the basics of chakras and their applications to life. Many things she said were full of meaning, but at one point she told a little story that really struck me. She was talking about her three young daughters. At times when they're out of control, kids being kids, the moment gets the better of her. She finds herself being a mother that she doesn't want to be, and has to take a step back to remember how thankful she is to have them. They are the single most important thing in her life, and she has to take care of them being the best mom she can. 

How many times have you found yourself snapping when you don't mean to, just like this? You use a rude tone with your mother and regret it later. Maybe you get annoyed with your job, and don't act like the employee you want to be. Things like this happen because we forget to slow down and put what is occurring into perspective. How do you really feel about the person you just yelled at, would you ever want to treat them that way? Perhaps you should be thankful for the fact that they are in your life, and don't forget, you're one lucky motherfucker for even having a job these days. Look at things for what they are, and you will realize that you should be thankful for most of it.

Out of gratitude, grows spirit. By being thankful for the things and people around us, we find the comportment that we wish to have. Take the time to remember it. Move a bit slower, use control, stop yourself before you say something you don't mean to. Give your inner being the time to acknowledge and it will take care of reacting in a positive way.  The first step is remembering to be grateful. It may take some practice, but the best version of your spirit will grow from there.