The long hours have left me a lot with myself. I don't think I've ever spent so much time in my own head as I have this past month. For some, that might sound great - the wide open road, time alone - but for me its been a bit bumpy. You see, I've always liked a certain amount of time to do my own thing, but at the end of the day, I like to be around friends. I like the energy of people close by, and without it I get lonely.
But I haven't had much choice, so instead I sit with it and let it happen. I stop myself when I start feeling sorry because I know this is a significant turning point in my life. Right now, I'm chasing after my own, and I cannot expect others to chase with me. At the end of each long journey, I've found immense joy and meaning for the road ahead. These are experiences meant for me, and me alone. Along the way, I'm building a strong sense of self awareness that for the first time ever comes from within. I find a pillar of strength in that.
I've come to realize that I have a self identity outside of interactions with other people. It's easy to develop an outlook on yourself based off of the way others treat you, and what they tell you about yourself. But when you step away from that mirror, who are you?
Me, I'm a thinker...and a nerd. I listen to way too much NPR, and today, I caught myself engulfed in CSPAN radio as I drove through Washington DC. Why? Because I find it interesting and informative...and the kind of knowledge I should be filling my head with. As I drove on and the station fizzled away, the channel changed to country. I'm embarrassed to even admit it. The last time I listened to the country music station was back in high school. In fact, back then I loved it! It was my radio of choice. Maybe I like it now because it brings me back there. It reminds me of when things were simple. When life really was pick-up trucks, beer, and boys. When I really did spend all day on a farm, and head down to the lake with my best friends. As I drove through the valleys of America's wide open spaces today, the music cradled me with the safety I needed out here all alone.
Needless to say, I'm in limbo. It's that awkward growing phase where you don't feel like who you were, and you don't feel like you are who you're going to be. I'm me, right now. This silly being figuring it all out. I dream all day long about what's next. I know I can't stay where I'm at, but I also know that I can't yet leave. So I'm stuck. And I'm growing. I'm grooming myself to be able to do what I want. One day it will come, and when it does, it will be so, so sweet.