the mess

I'll never be well poised. I'm not well kept.

My knees are scraped. My mind is wild.

But I'm proud.

You see, these are all signs of who I am, and to hide them would mean that I'm ashamed. But the scrape my knee is the sign of a bike ride across town. The words that come out with no sign of eloquence, are raw, creative, and the mark of a thoughtful mind. My house isn't pristine because I stayed out too late enjoying friends and live music. The resulting, scabbing mess on my knee, the dust bunny blowing in the fan, the hangover - those are life's battle wounds, and they're my proof that I'm alive and living in a way that I believe in.

I'm done trying to fix it. It's taken ups and downs to get here. I spent a lot of time concealing certain parts of myself, but lately there's been a revelation causing me to embrace what's true. Maybe you have to try to be something you aren't in order to figure out who you actually are. I lay all my cards on the table, probably share a bit too much with other people, but I'm not ashamed of any of it. I'm fallible, and adventurous, and broken, and strong, and wise, and silly, and relentless all at the same time. It's a messy combination of a person, for sure. There is nothing clean about it.

The personal journeys, the tears, the bellowing laughs...it's the fabric of life. And the mess of it makes me feel alive. I'm going to keep living it. I'm going to keep sharing it. I no longer care if what you see is a perfect package.

the journey

I've been on the road a lot lately. As I write this, I'm sitting in a hotel room in Harrisonburg, Virginia. It's just me and a big fat bible. The bible came with the room, I'm just a person passing through.
The long hours have left me a lot with myself. I don't think I've ever spent so much time in my own head as I have this past month. For some, that might sound great - the wide open road, time alone - but for me its been a bit bumpy. You see, I've always liked a certain amount of time to do my own thing, but at the end of the day, I like to be around friends. I like the energy of people close by, and without it I get lonely.

But I haven't had much choice, so instead I sit with it and let it happen. I stop myself when I start feeling sorry because I know this is a significant turning point in my life. Right now, I'm chasing after my own, and I cannot expect others to chase with me. At the end of each long journey, I've found immense joy and meaning for the road ahead. These are experiences meant for me, and me alone. Along the way, I'm building a strong sense of self awareness that for the first time ever comes from within. I find a pillar of strength in that.
I've come to realize that I have a self identity outside of interactions with other people. It's easy to develop an outlook on yourself based off of the way others treat you, and what they tell you about yourself. But when you step away from that mirror, who are you? 

Me, I'm a thinker...and a nerd. I listen to way too much NPR, and today, I caught myself engulfed in CSPAN radio as I drove through Washington DC. Why? Because I find it interesting and informative...and the kind of knowledge I should be filling my head with. As I drove on and the station fizzled away, the channel changed to country. I'm embarrassed to even admit it. The last time I listened to the country music station was back in high school. In fact, back then I loved it! It was my radio of choice. Maybe I like it now because it brings me back there. It reminds me of when things were simple. When life really was pick-up trucks, beer, and boys. When I really did spend all day on a farm, and head down to the lake with my best friends. As I drove through the valleys of America's wide open spaces today, the music cradled me with the safety I needed out here all alone.

Needless to say, I'm in limbo. It's that awkward growing phase where you don't feel like who you were, and you don't feel like you are who you're going to be. I'm me, right now. This silly being figuring it all out. I dream all day long about what's next. I know I can't stay where I'm at, but I also know that I can't yet leave. So I'm stuck. And I'm growing. I'm grooming myself to be able to do what I want. One day it will come, and when it does, it will be so, so sweet.

sometimes you should: practice gratitude

(Image Source)

This past week I went to listen to a Reiki practitioner talk. Her lecture went over the basics of chakras and their applications to life. Many things she said were full of meaning, but at one point she told a little story that really struck me. She was talking about her three young daughters. At times when they're out of control, kids being kids, the moment gets the better of her. She finds herself being a mother that she doesn't want to be, and has to take a step back to remember how thankful she is to have them. They are the single most important thing in her life, and she has to take care of them being the best mom she can. 

How many times have you found yourself snapping when you don't mean to, just like this? You use a rude tone with your mother and regret it later. Maybe you get annoyed with your job, and don't act like the employee you want to be. Things like this happen because we forget to slow down and put what is occurring into perspective. How do you really feel about the person you just yelled at, would you ever want to treat them that way? Perhaps you should be thankful for the fact that they are in your life, and don't forget, you're one lucky motherfucker for even having a job these days. Look at things for what they are, and you will realize that you should be thankful for most of it.

Out of gratitude, grows spirit. By being thankful for the things and people around us, we find the comportment that we wish to have. Take the time to remember it. Move a bit slower, use control, stop yourself before you say something you don't mean to. Give your inner being the time to acknowledge and it will take care of reacting in a positive way.  The first step is remembering to be grateful. It may take some practice, but the best version of your spirit will grow from there.